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Monogamy: A social shackle to be broken?

Published date: 05/02/2026 - License: CC BY 4.0

Monogamy can have several meanings depending on the context. Unless otherwise stated, I will mainly discuss it in the context of sexual exclusivity in a romantic relationship, particularly within a couple. This is in contrast to open relationships. The couple is also a social norm that could be questioned. Perhaps for a future article.

This topic has always interested me, as we see stories of cheating and other broken relationships so many times throughout our lives. However, it seems to me that we don't question this model of sexual life that is monogamy enough and that we often remain on the surface: the person who has strayed lacks control, respect, or whatever word we want to put on this wound caused by betrayed trust. It is not unique to these situations that we too rarely seek to understand the path that led to this breach of exclusivity. We are sometimes told that seeking to understand would be tantamount to being complacent in the face of the unjustifiable. I do not condone this intellectual simplism.

A history of monogamy

What better way to understand why we are where we are today than to take a look at our past on this issue. A video by Manon Bril in French discusses modern monogamy in the West. Modern in the sense of fidelity promised to a single person in love and sexually, and not the monogamy of marriage as it existed in antiquity. She confirms that this exclusivity to one partner is a social norm gradually imposed by the Church and then the State. Love and sex are not systematically linked in these injunctions. Initially, it was a question of sexual exclusivity within marriage before adding romantic exclusivity.

As Manon Bril points out throughout the video, there are norms and then there is what people do with them. But it is clear that these norms shape the way most of us live our lives. Depending on the norms in question, the cost of circumventing them may be too high to consider. In the same way, we must first be aware that alternatives exist in order to be able to consider other options. One example is the omnipresence of heteronormativity, which has prevented some people from exploring emerging feelings and desires. This is also partly due to social pressures.

Listen to yourself before listening to society

Although it may seem trivial, this is the only way to take the first step toward finding what suits you best. Have you ever felt desire for someone other than your current partner? A romantic feeling outside of your relationship? If so, and if you have suppressed it, ask yourself why, and whether the reasons that come to mind seem consistent with who you are or not. If not, perhaps monogamy is not a model in which you can thrive, and it is time to discuss the subject with your partner.

Communication is another cliché that is all too rarely put into practice, even though it is so fundamental, regardless of the type of relationship. I mention this when talking about my escort services, indicating that I do not wish to interfere in couples' problems. While I do not judge anyone's desire to look elsewhere, I do not wish to be the person who helps break a fidelity agreement without the knowledge of the absent partner.

It is also about the difficulty of sometimes aligning your desires within a relationship. Differences in libido, sexual practices, and other fantasies that you would like to explore but that do not suit your partner, etc. This can create frustration, regardless of how much love you feel. And if no agreement seems possible, you will either have to live with this frustration or decide to end the relationship. That's why it's essential to communicate your desires as early as possible in any new relationship. This includes both your sexual desires and your family goals. You don't want to realize, after several months or even years of being in a relationship, that you have differing desires about whether or not to have children.

What the research says

A recent meta-analysis of 35 studies, involving a total of 24,086 respondents, was published in March 2025 by several researchers, refuting the myth that monogamy is superior in terms of relationship and sexual satisfaction. In fact, the findings point to a similar level of satisfaction in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. This is true even when comparing certain characteristics of the relationship, such as LGBT+ vs. heterosexual, or the type of non-monogamous relationship (open relationship; polyamory1; or monogamish, a sort of middle ground between monogamy and open relationship). When analyzing the subgroups, though, it's pointed out that in the 5 studies that measured trust as a criterion for relationship satisfaction, non-monogamous people reported higher levels. Similarly, 8 studies (6 on polyamory and 2 on swinging) seem to indicate that non-monogamous people are more satisfied with their sex lives than their monogamous counterparts.

However, there are some limitations:

  • The first is that participants come from social networks and the snowball effect that can occur in connection with this, through sharing within associated circles. Representativeness of the population is therefore not achieved.
  • Likewise, the questionnaire responses were all self-assessed, which may have introduced a bias toward responses favorable to non-monogamy.
  • The assumption that non-monogamous individuals who agreed to participate in these studies were less likely to have had negative experiences is stated.
  • Research has shown that different configurations in polyamorous relationships can lead to contrasting levels of satisfaction. As the samples were too small and not the main focus of the meta-analysis, it was deemed too uncertain to provide robust evidence for this subgroup.
  • Most studies did not mention gender differences, indicating only that there were no major differences between women and men. It would be desirable to move away from binary considerations of gender and perhaps consider potential differences in the future.
  • Finally, all studies were in English. Most were conducted in the United States and Western countries. To be precise: 24 in the US/Canada, 6 in Australia, 2 in Portugal, 1 in Spain, 1 in Italy, and 1 in several countries, for a total of 35.

My thoughts on the matter

My work as a sex worker betrays me. But even without it, I don't recognize myself at all in monogamy. I don't see love or sexuality as something that should be reserved for one person. Nor do I see it as something that can't be expressed for more than one person. The world is already a prison, and I don't want to add unnecessary constraints to my existence under the pretext of possible jealousy or low self-esteem. I want to experience any sexual desire or mutual love that arises without having to put an end to it because of constraints imposed for what I believe to be the wrong reasons.

That said, beyond the considerations of my work, I do not rule out monogamy. While the chances of finding satisfaction with one person seem slim given my openness to the many kinks that exist and my desire to explore a number of them, they are not zero.

Conclusion

Through this title, which some people may find provocative, the aim was more to take a step back and reflect on our reasons for living this kind of sexual lifestyle. Too often, we lock ourselves into shackles without even asking ourselves why. Until it's too late to ask the question.

The answer is obviously that not everyone is cut out for ethical non-monogamy, such as an open/free relationship or a polyamorous relationship. Monogamy, if consciously chosen, is just as legitimate. Whatever type of relationship you are in, never force yourself to live it against your will. And above all, as a general rule, never accept someone who asks you for the freedoms of a more open relationship without granting them to you. Unless it's part of the dynamic you accept, you're better than that, and it's essential that the freedoms offered by these types of relationships apply to everyone involved.

Additional links

↑ 1. This topic is not addressed much here, as I chose to focus on sexuality more than love. But when I mentioned a possible future article questioning the social norm of the couple, I had polyamory in mind.